i have been depressed and often had suicidal thoughts since i was 9 years old i have made several suicide attempts and self harm regularly. i was a victim of child abuse as well as bullying in school and i grew up in a family where domestic violence was common, i have been in a relationship since i was 16 she’s my only girlfriend ever and she used to be jealous, possessive, violent and she slept around while we were together i have never been able to stand up for myself and struggle to talk about my feelings. about a year ago i could take no more and when my girlfriend stole money from me i confronted her she hit me and i hit her back the fight ended up outside our house and a neighbor got involved and i hurt him, i spent 9 months in prison, lost my career(i was one of the youngest head doorman in the uk at only 19 years old) and I’m on license until 31/12/2009. my son has told his teacher that his mum hurts him and they called social services. both social services and my probation officer are now beginning to see that (my now ex) girlfriend is a bully i did tell them before but until my son told his teacher noone believed me, anyway while in prison i was on suicide watch and had to see a nurse but she could not help me because i couldn’t talk about it all, i wanted to but when i tried i just couldn’t say anything. i want to try to get help but because of the situation I’m in i can’t afford to let social services or my probation officer know because they will say i might not be able to care for my kids and they could end up in care which i can’t let happen.
I’m not willing to take any kind or drug or medication but i really want counselling or something like that is there anyway i could get that kind of help but keep it secret?
thanks
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Counselling is a great idea and they respect your confidentiality.
You are such a wonderful parent to be so concerned about your son.
If you are feeling overhwhelmed emotionally, you could try using Byron Katie’s worksheets or watch her video’s on youtube. She does work prisons too – it is incredible and really uplifting!
You could keep two journals. One for writing down all your feelings, this is really good for clearing out your anxieties and getting all your war onto paper, you can delete it straight after if you need to, it’s just good to really see your stressful thinking. And the other can be your gratitude journal – write down all the things you are grateful for that happened today.
If you get panic attacks, sign up for the free emails on the panicaway website.
Also, it might sound funny, but check for a gluten sensitivity. There is a link between gluten and depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts. (There is a theory that some people suffer from leaky gut syndrome, the wheat goes through the gut and straight to the brain, acting as a drug, which can make you feel ‘crazy’ with thoughts.)
You could keep a food diary and note what foods bring you ‘down’.
Your doctor can refer you to a counsellor or you might be able to find one in a directory. I think there might even be an online directory. I’m not sure.
If you can, forgive yourself and forgive others. If you cannot, know that you can forgive, because you do not deserve to carry the burden anymore.
You are an amazing person.
Wishing you the wonderful life you deserve.
Best wishes, love and light.
xxx
Most cities/counties have a dept. of mental health that will provide inexpensive or free counseling. Find it.
What do you have against medication?